Aimless, but Filled
I’m feeling lonely tonight. Lonely feels strange and surprising after being surrounded by little people all day, but Phil is out of town and the dishes aren’t being very friendly. They keep staring me down while I’m trying to do “important” things on the internets. Putting on some Chris Stapleton tunes feels a little more friendly, but the truth is, many many days I feel lonely. Lonely in the aimlessness of mothering littles.
I’ve tried making plans, but plans can’t be counted on much at all. There are groceries to buy and post offices to visit. We meet up with friends and go to the library. We go get the emissions tested and pick up birthday gifts for parties on the horizon. But lots and lots and lots of days I feel aimless. The Groundhog Day in and day outness of it all can get maddening. But then knowing in the back of my mind that the foundations we are building in our miniature humans is of utmost importance. I have to show up even if the haze is thick. I have to show up because they are mine and they are His and they matter more than most things I’ll do on this earth. But it can feel so lonely and so pointless. The early alarms followed by the morning hustle. The good mornings and good bye’s off to school. The nap takers and the nap fighters, needing the same things every day. Needing me.
Today was another day, husband out of town, not many plans, but not wanting to go home too early after school pick up. What do I do with this “feeling pointless, but don’t waste these precious moments” afternoon. Driving away from school I’m thinking, “Ok, donuts, donuts sound good.” We eat our donuts in 15 minutes and it’s still too early to go home, soooooo??? “Oh yes” I remember, “There’s a cute local bookstore with a train table we can walk to.” Done and done. We head on down with most of the powder and sprinkles wiped off little hands onto my black jeans. Keeping it classy with my black skinnies covered in white powder. But in spite of my gunky pants we walked into the most magical afternoon.
The bookstore usually has one shop dog that walks around, greeting customers, but today there were four dogs and my children were welcomed with paws and laughs and snuggles in the back offices for close to an hour. The welcome we received on this normal Tuesday was filled with love from people and their precious pets we had never met. This afternoon reminded me that my aimless leaves space for God’s gifts. He sees all of us and I believe He is always planning gifts for us. Out of my need for connection and purpose, but little time or energy to make things happen, God surprises me, reminding my heart that I am NEVER alone.
I do long for the days where there is more structure, more time for me to pursue work and creative endeavors, to plug my mind into invigorating space. I mean, I get goosebumps thinking about the possibilities. But I never want to forget the gifts God showers me with in these needy days. I always want to leave space for Him to meet my needs in ways only He can. Because watching the joy on my little guy’s face as he lays on a strangers dog like a pillow in the middle of a bookstore is just something I can’t create. I love that God fills my aimless space, I love His surprises.
Now I must carry on and pack Rock’s school lunch while Chris Stapleton belts it, “SOMETIMES I CRYYYYYYYYYY, When I can’t do nothin’ else.” A lonely night that produces a blog post. I’ll take it.