I Want To Be A Truth Teller

Phil is in San Diego right now. He's been out there for work but considering certain locations offer more opportunities than others, he's been having some fun too. The pace here at home has been a bit brutal, it's been a new kind of tired learning to balance part-time work, social events, kids after school activities, kindergarten feelings, 3rd grade homework and tests, yadda yadda. You know, all the stuff. I've been met with the sweetest graces from friends who have listened and acted to lift some of the burden without being asked. And I've found myself more grateful than ever for Phil and us and this family we've been given.

Phil is currently hanging out with my fifteen year old brother. They are going to see a movie, you know, like brother-in-law's who are twenty years a part do :)  I'm two thousand miles away, but I'm being pulled back to the memories of this same brother at the age of three refusing to walk down the isle as the ring bearer for our wedding. I'm thinking about the history Phil and I hold, almost twelve years into marriage. A marriage that began before our twenty and twenty-three year old brains had fully developed (which explains A LOT). I've been thinking about the saying, "fair isn't always equal" which pertains more toward education, but is resonating with me now.

Being the one at home for the most part can get the best of me, especially if Phil is at a destination I long to be when my realities look like rainy days and packing lunches. But there's a richness I'm feeling as I think about being home (you all can remind me I said this if I get all mopey in the near future). I think being home is strong. I used to think being a stay-at-home mom was boring and weak, but it is surely not. And being married is brave. Being vulnerable and hopeful and humble in marriage is gut wrenching and everything I want to be all at the same time.

Our marriage history is tainted and my history as a mother is tainted and I want to be a truth teller. I want my kids to know that hard seasons are ok, not to be avoided, and that true life comes from "going there" with Jesus by your side. I'm thankful that life has ended up nothing like I thought it would. Validating and surrendering my disappointments hasn't left me for dead, but it has made me come alive. Pressing in to what hasn't seemed fair has given me eyes to see beauty where I would have never recognized it. Yes, I'm looking forward to the next adventure with girl friends (even if that means getting together wearing pj's and drinking in the comfort of one of our homes) and I long for a sweet get away with Phil to see each other without the forever-list of craziness distracting us. But for right now I'm ok. And that feels like a big deal.


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