Summer Musings

We are three weeks into summer and I'm finally feeling like I've gained my sea legs. Not that I've been spending any time on a boat, but the change of school pace into summer pace leaves me feeling off kilter. I'm gaining some stability in the day-to-day, but also staring at some impasses in life that are giving me the feeling I've lost my anchor.

I've had A LOT of feelings lately and I don't know how to handle them, so I usually stuff them into some corner of my consciousness and pretend they aren't there. This strategy only works for a little while before I find myself bawling my eyes out in my closet for unknown reasons, but after the tears I can usually pinpoint what is going on. I've had more moments like these lately mostly, I presume, because two of my closest friends in Nashville are moving away this summer.

One girl friend has been with me since the beginning of my Nashville journey. She was my only mom friend when baby Rock came along and her stability and knowledge carried me more in those early years than anything else. I went to her house when newborn Rock was up all night and had his sixth blow out of the morning. She called me right after she found out she was pregnant with her third baby and she was SO HAPPY. I called her in the Target parking lot after I found out I was pregnant with my third when I was not so happy. She has grounded me and put me at ease for years.

The other friend has swooped in over the past two years and has been a lifeline. Our families are friends. My kids will desperately miss her kids and vice versa. We've had more impromptu "dad's are working so lets eat together" dinners that were pieced together and perfect. She thinks of me and I think of her. I ask her the questions about God and marriage and motherhood that I don't even feel comfortable asking God half the time, which I find a divine relationship, helping me bring all things into the light.

I feel obviously far away from my own family and I've been missing my grandparents who have been dead for years. I'm grasping for who I know and who knows me and I'm a bit uncertain of what that will look like come the middle of August. And as I'm cheering on my friends in their unknowns, wanting them to find deep friendships and life and hope in their new cities, I don't want to lose the place I've been able to have with them. The gift of their friendships have carried me to awareness and life I never knew possible and I don't want that to change.

With the recent changes on the horizon I'm reminded that life stages will continually shift. As the kids get older, as passions and pursuits arise, as neighbors and schools change, and places of comfort look differently, my belonging doesn't shift. I am held firm. Although going on a walk with my mom in California feels like the one thing I need to remember who I am, I am already known to the depths by my Maker. He see's this new season unfolding. He knows who needs me and who I need. I'm a little bit afraid, but ultimately I'm waiting in expectation, hands held open, that God will fill these voids.

So really, thank you Annie and Katie. I know God's intertwining has only just begun. I will miss you desperately and am excited to go visit two cities I've never been to before. I'm excited to see how Nashville becomes even more like home for us. I'm excited for more time traveling to be with family and more time building friendships that feel like family here. God's design is good. He is delighted with relationships. He will sustain us.


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