The Survival Suit

A light bulb went off inside of my head today. It was one of those light bulbs that put me at ease and made me want to jump up and down at the same time. Gotta love conflict of feelings...happens more than I would like to admit.

I had the privilege of hanging with a beautiful friend and her kiddos today. As lame as this may sound to the non-mom's out there, play dates are my saving grace most of the time. Moving on...

So we were chatting away and somehow we landed on the topic of stay at home moms (and any moms, and truly anyone) and how we tend to hide away from each other instead of reaching out to meet each others needs. It's somewhat baffling how we isolate ourselves in our deepest need.

I was reminded of how my husband asks me on a somewhat regular basis "are you sure you aren't acting like you have it all together?". He mostly asks me this when I'm blabbing about my loneliness and my desire to feel wanted and sought after. Generally I think I'm honest with's been a long and not finished road for me to get to this place of honesty, but I don't think I put on a smile and tell everyone I'm fine day in and day out.

What I realized today is that I put on a survival suit. I wake up and put on some armor (I visualize this armor as a super cute jump suit that's silver and includes incredibly stylish black motorcycle boots) and once it's on, my vulnerable, scared, lonely self gets covered up a little so I can do my day "successfully". I don't mean to push people away or make myself look stronger than I am, but people's perceptions are a big deal. I can say that I look at other moms (and women in general) who handle multiple children gracefully in public, or have perfect hair, or have comfortable conversations with other people at social gatherings and I make my own quick judgment. They have a life and I don' in the moment I put on my survival suit and then I go home a cry in the bathroom about it all. Maybe a lot of us do the same thing...

My hope is that this story is true for other women. My hope is that instead of coming to quick conclusions from what I see with my flawed eyes that I'll choose to believe I have the capability to love and care for women no matter how strong they appear and how weak I feel. The point of this post is to let you know I'm learning how to take off this survival suit and not spend so much conscious and unconscious time managing the perception people have of me. At the end of the day I need people and I'm thankful I was made that way.


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