Oh Valentine's Day...you bring so many thoughts and emotions, all from a label. I'm not an expert by any means on relationships; marriages, singleness, and the in between. I do care an incredible amount about love and my life is full of relationships, healthy and broken, that occupy most of my time. There are days that I love, love and days that I fail so miserably at it that I wish it didn't exist. It's what we live for and die for...love is a crazy big deal.

I remember in my single days hoping so badly that Valentines day would bring forth a secret admirer. On this prescribed holiday with love bursting through windows and roof tops that this man, who secretly loved me, would find courage to finally do something about it. I remember wishing I would get kissed on Valentine's day...walking through my college campus, day dreaming that some unannounced "hottie" would stand out in the crowd, run to me, grab my face, and kiss me. Gah...I might as well have a chick flick on repeat in this unoriginal head of mine :)

Regardless, I've had the cheesy hopes that actually meant I longed for a romantic relationship. It's the fun, exciting stuff that entices us...the easy stuff.

I'm realizing more and more that the easy stuff isn't necessarily the good stuff. Yes, I love kisses from my man and being near him on our couch is so right, but the lasting joy in those things is rooted in hard work. Love is good because it's hard, it defies our selfishness and pushes through our darkness.

I've been reading some journals by an incredible artist, Emily Carr. She is a woman who was defying the normal around her on a daily basis. She was married to her art and she worked on it constantly. A recent quote from one of her journals speaks of the fear that comes over her about digging into her art. The quote is from the 1930's so the wording is a little interesting. She says,

"Better eat paint like the monkey and make my body sick than dabble my soul
in it and make that sick. A dose of salts fixed her body. What can I take to fix
my soul? It is sick and aching and heavy"

More and more I'm finding that art and marriage are incredibly interconnected. Art takes everything the artist has to create and share. It's full of exploration and doubt and honesty. Art is scary. But there's a hope for the finished product. The hope is big and beautiful and worth every minute of the mess. Marriage is a mess, love is a mess, anything worth our souls is a mess.

The gut feelings of fear and shame can come rushing in so quickly when we press in to truly love someone. Maybe we don't think we deserve love, or maybe we fear our love will be rejected, or maybe it seems too hard to love someone in the middle of their yuck. But when true love is experienced our souls are free, just like a perfect painting. As much as I'm tempted to eat paint instead of engage my soul, God reminds me that I can't. My soul belongs to him.


  1. ummm. cant shake the picture i have now of you in college daydreaming that a secret admirer would come to you and grab your face and kiss you. i LOVE THAT YOU ADMITTED THAT.


Post a Comment

Popular Posts