A Little Heaven Now.

January 6th holds meaning for me in ways I would have never known in my early days. Phil and I chose to get married on January 6th, years later we both learned about the Epiphany celebration, remembering the crowd of kings that found and worshipped baby Jesus after following the blessed star, and our own bursting light was born on January 6th 2 years ago, Miss Ever Wynn.

Other than the fact that she arrived on the scene in accidental home birth fashion, one of the most profound memories surrounding her birth won't excuse itself from my head. After we all caught our breath from the birth sprint (opposite from marathon, aka Rock's birth) we headed to the hospital. A couple hours after we arrived Ever was uncomfortable, nursing every 30 to 45 minutes for the next 24 hours. She wasn't content in a swaddle or being held by someone else, she wanted my skin, which I understood, but the moment she was in my arms she wanted to nurse. I was beside myself tired, trying to give her what she needed, but I was raw. My heart was raw, as were other obvious places on my body.

I remember the next morning staring blankly at Phil. He knew I needed something, but neither of us knew what it was. He got up from his bed-chair-thing and put on some music. I stood up, holding Ever close with her head by my neck. The Switchfoot song, "Where I Belong" came on and I cried, actually sobbed. The words made so much sense to me in that moment. Looking at Ever in her new self, realizing how strange this earth must be for her, realizing that many days this earth feels so weird to me too. I felt a deep compassion for her in her newborn skin. I whispered to her, "I know this place is weird, honey. I know you came from a better place. But I'm going to do my best to comfort you here on earth. I'm going to do my best to point you back to where you came from everyday. Baby girl, Jesus makes sense and not much else, but dad and I are going to do the best we can." Phil then joined me and we held on to each other, swaying back and forth with baby Ever in-between.

Our together tears were full of hope, and fear, but mostly hope. Knowing that we always have a place to belong no matter how awkward or lonely or failing our days may seem, was a truth that poured over us that morning. Our marriage is a slice of that home. Our thriving, brilliant, life-giving kids are a piece of heaven here. Our church, dear friends, cups of coffee, red wood trees, and Nashville backroads are all Jesus to me on different occasions. I'm so thankful to be reminded of the glories of heaven on Ever's birthday, our anniversary, and Epiphany, the day God revealed we all (Jews and Gentiles) have a place to call home if we believe.


Newborn Ever

2 Year Old Ever


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