I Was a Mean Girl
I was a bit of a mean girl in my junior and senior high days. I don't like to admit it, or think about the people I hurt in those early days, but for some reason a handful of people I'm certain I tore down have been at the front of my mind this week. As much as I enjoyed my teen years, my heart aches for the way I looked out for myself above sticking up for others. I wish compassion had been a bigger priority in my heart.
I was homeschooled, so most of my tearing down went on at youth group. The place many of the kids were coming to be accepted and safe was the place I played the game and made others feel less than. Certain girl's faces pop into my mind and I'm sad that I told them their clothing was inappropriate for church and I'm sad that I flirted with guys just long enough for them to ask me out to then reject them. I'm sad that the judgement of my peers made me feel set a part and special. The reality back then was that if guys liked me, I could care less about what girls thought of me. I usually ran around in my false confidence with a couple other girls that listened to what I said and who made me look good. I didn't care about real relationships. I was a mean girl.
I'm not sure that this was my entire identity. God had made himself very real to me as a thirteen year old and I did want to know Him. I did want to make right choices and protect myself from destructive things. But my heart is sad that grace and love were so foreign to me back then. I wish I had been a breath of fresh air instead of a selfish *$%**.
God knows in my adulthood I've had my fair share of loneliness and insecurity. I've wondered where I fit and have felt left out. I've struggled with sin and have made bad choices. I've cried. And when I think about the girls I knew in youth group that were going through these same feelings, I'm sad that I made it worse for them. I wish I knew how much a hug, an invitation, or an encouraging word would bring.
I know we all do things we wish we could erase. I want to teach Rock and Ever to embrace others because I'm embracing others. We all matter. We all can bring death and life. I wish I knew back then the beauty of everyone's story. We all matter. I wish I knew the care God puts into making us all unique and perfect at the same time. We all matter. I wish I knew how hard life can be and that simply being kind changes lives.
We all matter!
I was homeschooled, so most of my tearing down went on at youth group. The place many of the kids were coming to be accepted and safe was the place I played the game and made others feel less than. Certain girl's faces pop into my mind and I'm sad that I told them their clothing was inappropriate for church and I'm sad that I flirted with guys just long enough for them to ask me out to then reject them. I'm sad that the judgement of my peers made me feel set a part and special. The reality back then was that if guys liked me, I could care less about what girls thought of me. I usually ran around in my false confidence with a couple other girls that listened to what I said and who made me look good. I didn't care about real relationships. I was a mean girl.
I'm not sure that this was my entire identity. God had made himself very real to me as a thirteen year old and I did want to know Him. I did want to make right choices and protect myself from destructive things. But my heart is sad that grace and love were so foreign to me back then. I wish I had been a breath of fresh air instead of a selfish *$%**.
God knows in my adulthood I've had my fair share of loneliness and insecurity. I've wondered where I fit and have felt left out. I've struggled with sin and have made bad choices. I've cried. And when I think about the girls I knew in youth group that were going through these same feelings, I'm sad that I made it worse for them. I wish I knew how much a hug, an invitation, or an encouraging word would bring.
I know we all do things we wish we could erase. I want to teach Rock and Ever to embrace others because I'm embracing others. We all matter. We all can bring death and life. I wish I knew back then the beauty of everyone's story. We all matter. I wish I knew the care God puts into making us all unique and perfect at the same time. We all matter. I wish I knew how hard life can be and that simply being kind changes lives.
We all matter!
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