The lonely
Oh loneliness...you can't leave me alone can you?
Lent began on Wednesday and loneliness soon followed. Phil and I both decided to put social networking to a halt this Lent season. Facebook and Twitter in particular become such comfort zone's for me that giving it up felt like the obvious choice. Oddly enough, Ash Wednesday (the start of Lent) fell on the same day Spring touring picked up. Four and five day runs are normal now and it's all staring me in the face.
I've realized pretty quickly that Facebook makes me feel connected to people even if I'm not. I go to check status updates and look at pictures to fill the empty places of my soul. The places that long for a friend. It's kind of embarrassing. So, there's that part of the equation...no fake connecting going on at our house for the next 36 days.
And when Phil is gone loneliness seems to move in without an invitation. The odd part about it is even when Phil is home there are times I feel alone. That's not to say Phil isn't doing his job as a husband, but just a strange reality that even when I'm spending my days with my best friend I long for something. There are plenty of times Phil and I click and the longings vanish for a period of time, but there are other times when we miss each other. The words we say or the jokes we try aren't received and I'm left wondering if anyone really knows my heart.
With all these lonely feelings surrounding me lately I've also realized how much we, as a human race, try to fill our days with things to avoid being alone. It's unattractive to be needy or down. We want to be busy, have friends, do things, have a significant other, enjoy time with family, but they only briefly cover the fact that we all long for deep relationship. Relationship we can't explain.
Honestly, at this point there's no reason for me to hide the fact that I am lonely these days, more than I like to be. I am thankful a million times over for the beautiful husband and boy who know me better than anyone, and friends and family who fill my ache many times...I don't want to brush off the reality that I have a support system that lifts me up. I know I'm not truly alone. I'm just intrigued with my grasping...knowing that my voids only have one filler. And I hope instead of running away, I'll dig in to the One who made my heart.
Lent began on Wednesday and loneliness soon followed. Phil and I both decided to put social networking to a halt this Lent season. Facebook and Twitter in particular become such comfort zone's for me that giving it up felt like the obvious choice. Oddly enough, Ash Wednesday (the start of Lent) fell on the same day Spring touring picked up. Four and five day runs are normal now and it's all staring me in the face.
I've realized pretty quickly that Facebook makes me feel connected to people even if I'm not. I go to check status updates and look at pictures to fill the empty places of my soul. The places that long for a friend. It's kind of embarrassing. So, there's that part of the equation...no fake connecting going on at our house for the next 36 days.
And when Phil is gone loneliness seems to move in without an invitation. The odd part about it is even when Phil is home there are times I feel alone. That's not to say Phil isn't doing his job as a husband, but just a strange reality that even when I'm spending my days with my best friend I long for something. There are plenty of times Phil and I click and the longings vanish for a period of time, but there are other times when we miss each other. The words we say or the jokes we try aren't received and I'm left wondering if anyone really knows my heart.
With all these lonely feelings surrounding me lately I've also realized how much we, as a human race, try to fill our days with things to avoid being alone. It's unattractive to be needy or down. We want to be busy, have friends, do things, have a significant other, enjoy time with family, but they only briefly cover the fact that we all long for deep relationship. Relationship we can't explain.
Honestly, at this point there's no reason for me to hide the fact that I am lonely these days, more than I like to be. I am thankful a million times over for the beautiful husband and boy who know me better than anyone, and friends and family who fill my ache many times...I don't want to brush off the reality that I have a support system that lifts me up. I know I'm not truly alone. I'm just intrigued with my grasping...knowing that my voids only have one filler. And I hope instead of running away, I'll dig in to the One who made my heart.
Sonnie. as always i love your honesty. You're not alone in feeling lonely. If that helps at all...i am impressed with your social network fasting. I pray that GOD will honor that heart that seeks true connection with many good moments of true connections with friends and Phil..and family.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mandy! Your comments always lift me up. I seriously appreciate your encouraging spirit!
ReplyDeleteLove you and your sweet family!