I absolutely love how toddlers want to wrestle. They want to be tossed around and chased and tickled. I think both little girls and little boys enjoy this sort of thing, but boys seem to like it that much more. It's sweet and endearing. I love that at this point in Rock's life I can still physically throw him up in the air and catch him. We'll see how long that lasts considering my small stature and my boy's 26 pounds and counting. Don't worry...I asked Rock if I could publicly share his weight and he told me it was perfectly alright.

Sometimes I so badly want to feel like I can be scooped up. It comforts my heart to think about God grabbing both of my hands and swinging me around in circles...the way parents play with their kids.

The wrestling that has been going on in my life lately hasn't been carefree...it's been quite weighty. My internal struggle with life questions has been coming at me like a flooded stream. It's been steady and fast and frankly, just too much.

After getting sick last week when Phil was on the road and having Rock to take care of between trips to the bathroom, I began to wonder about our place in life. That lonely, long day left me feeling abandoned. The cold weather with left-over snow on the ground matched my outlook on life...somewhat dead and somewhat scared. Scared that spring wouldn't come this year and scared that the wrestling questions in my heart won't ever find a foundation.

How do we build a solid community when Phil is on the road?? Who are the people in our surrogate family since family is far away? What is our mission as a couple and a family regardless of our jobs or circumstances? What is true comfort and why do I want it so badly? And I must say, the list goes on.

I don't want to be aimless.

This past week Phil and I have been graciously able to dive in and talk deeply about these matters multiple times. And anytime we've felt overwhelmed by the amount of questions, we've been able to stop and say, "No, this is good. We're entering in. We're not running away. There's a reason."

A part of me is realizing that deep life questions are a part of being/becoming an adult. I know without a doubt that God's plans have been set in motion from the beginning of time and that my life has a part in His eloquent script. I am a part of the same plan as Joshua and Joseph, Ruth and Mary, David and Jesus. And as much as I try to fight it, deep down I know the wrestling is taking me deeper into God's heart.

And in the midst of it all I'm thankful that I get to watch little Rocky laugh and smile as he wrestles with his dad...reminding me that God is undoubtably good...even in the difficult.


  1. I was hoping this post wasn't about a wwe event (oh my). How beautifully it is written. Sonnie you work so hard and it shows. You are dedicated to bettering yourself and with this it will only better our families and culture. It starts with our little self (that seem like nothing) but we are building an army. You are awesome. You are a leader. All I can say about the craziness with the melting snow and the hopeless you must have been feeling is those feelings are not from god. God wants joy in our life and you know and see it "Don't let the devil rape you!" ;) he is awesome at disguising himself as gods eternal light. I pray for gods angels to lead you to his playground. We all need joy and laughter, so much. I miss you. I wish I lived closer to you. I really do. xoxo, I love you.


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