Floating By...

During Rock's nap time today I was able to sit on my bed and watch part of the Dew Tour (Mountain Dew) half pipe snowboarding competition. With every trick each guy laid down a desire grew in me to be on my own snowboard. Something exciting and a little dangerous, but full of focus.

In my lifetime I have been snowboarding once and it has etched itself on my memory as glorious. I went to Durango, Colorado when I was 17 on a ski/snowboarding trip with a bunch of other high school kids. I had never tried to ski or snowboard, but decided quickly that I wanted to snap into a snowboard instead of skis. I know people argue about which one is better or easier, but I think my choice had to do with liking a guy that was snowboarding on the trip as well...my choice was not educated by any means! It proved to be something I never regretted, not because of the boy, but because my body just clicked with the board and I never looked back. I'm rather (really) short and I took gymnastics for a couple years growing up, so the balance factor wasn't a huge issue. Phil on the other hand is tall and his only snowboarding experience was less than enjoyable, which breaks my heart a little.

The last couple weeks have been incredibly hard for me to enter into. I'm not quite sure why, but my days seem to float by without much feeling or direction. I've had plenty of life-giving things in the past couple weeks: birthday parties, Christmas parties, time with my husband, unexpected movie nights with friends, good books to read, a sweet little boy to take care of and play with, seriously just to name a few. After typing out the list it sounds amazing, but through it all I've struggled to feel much of anything.

I've read a couple articles about not being prepared for the holidays and others about the beauty of this season and others still about facing heightened pain during what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. But still...I haven't been able to identify with any of them...my heart hasn't had much to say these days. I've been a little bothered by the floating I've been doing. I generally enjoy entering in to the joy and pain circling my life. I want to be present, but I'm far away right now.

And in my lack of ability to understand or dream, I just want to be on top of a mountain with a board securely strapped to my feet and I want to glide down the mountain. Silently worshiping through the movement of my body and letting my eyes soak in the scenery drenched in quiet snow. The intense feelings of not having to think about anything but where my body is going and what direction the earth is moving under me. It just seems right, but so far away.

I'm hoping that without a board and a mountain I'll be able to come more alive in the day dream of it all.


  1. ahhh. what a lovely thought. To be snowboarding in that beauty...to feel alive and "full of focus" like you said. I LOVE that you want to snowboard. i think i found a fellow tomboy in you. We should take our boys and do more active adventures this new year. ,,,more things that make us feel alive. Im like you...i've felt kinda dead lately. Except when i got the stomach bug, but that made me feel alive in a bad way...haha.


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