Marriage is Bigger than Me

My mind has been cloudy these days. So much to think about, but the act of thinking causes more storms in my noggin. Most of these heavy thoughts accompanied by feelings have to do with marriage. With my marriage and my parents marriage and my friends marriages. Marriage can be so powerful and so fragile at the same time...the ups and downs come out of nowhere without a sure-fire way to predict them.

I can't help but surrender to the fact that marriage is much bigger than me. It's God's and not much that is God's makes a whole lot of cultural sense. I love Phil dearly and from the minute I chose to marry him I knew I wanted to work hard to be in love for the rest of my life. What's the point of being married to just exist as two people under one roof anyway? But it's gut wrenchingly hard to be in love. The person who I give myself to; heart, soul, and body, has the ability to hurt me the most (and vise-versa). I'm tempted at times to shut down, to function instead of enter in.

How can something so common and seemingly ordinary be so costly?? So fragile?? And in the fragility of it all, there's a heightened importance to stay tethered together no matter what. That even when I am hurting in the depths I still want to squeeze my husband and never let go. I can't help but think there is an epic nature to being married. Which I love to think and hate to live out because it's hard. I'm amazed at the ease of laughing and enjoying every day life with my husband one minute and before I can take a breath we're diving in deep and hurting each others hearts. It's such a joy and such a mess.

I've been a little down these days thinking through these details, mulling over the things I don't understand...but just as apathy has been knocking on the door God's love came barreling in...through these lyrics:

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Phil and I have 4.8 years under our belts and 60 more to go ;) I care about marriage...deeply. I care that God's eyes see differently than ours and pain matters. And one day we'll be wearing glorious flowers in our hair, thankful for God's guidance on earth and his divine, unmistakable presence in heaven. He's working things out for us.