Marriage...and the road (part 1)
I'm a bit hesitant to post anything about my marriage and the relationship it has with a traveling spouse. Mostly because it's a topic that is very open day in and day out...it's a lesson/topic I'm learning about. I haven't already learned it. Today I haven't been able to stop thinking about our marriage and the life we are living...right now, September 10th 2010. I'm a little self conscious because I am in no way a pro at this married thing...we are 4.5 years in. We are 8 months into Phil traveling full time for work. So...the story of our lives is pretty new, not seasoned or wise by any means. It just is was it is for now.
Yesterday I was driving to a Bible study in the morning, thinking about Phil leaving in the evening and I got so sad. I immediately felt foolish for the sadness because we've been doing this for 8 months now. I should be used to the goodbyes, but yesterday took me off guard. As I was driving I had this vivid day dream of me coming home and dramatically grabbing onto Phil's ankles begging him not to leave. I was sobbing and pitiful and desperate. The scene in my mind matched the scene in my heart, but I knew it was rather irrational.
The thing is...I'm not competing with the road like it's another woman in my husbands life. Fighting the urge to feel jealous of the road for so many reasons is a honorable battle because the urge is a lie. Phil works hard and provides for me. That is a foundational gift not to be forgotten.
I just miss my best friend...I miss seeing his face. Non-verbals speak loudly to me and when they aren't there I feel a little lost. Sometimes when Phil comes home I get shy. I feel like I'm meeting a blind date after talking to him on the phone numerous times. Is that weird? Maybe it is a bit strange and believe me it feels strange to be crazy excited to see my husband and the minute he walks in the front door I feel like a blubbering high school girl with a major crush not knowing how to handle herself.
I guess in the scheme of things marriage alone is a detailed story full of crazy love, intense conflict, and the closest relationship possible in all of humanity. Being a wife has been a consistent reality check, knowing that my desire to hide my imperfections is actually destructive. I have to chose to lay myself down, and being vulnerable is flat out uncomfortable.
In reality I'm thankful that the goodbye's haven't gotten easier. If it was easy maybe there would be unhealthy things lying under the surface. I'm glad I have a husband to miss and a husband to love...the gifts are evident even in the struggle. That's a good thing!